I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
