i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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