Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
