Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
