god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
