Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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