Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
