6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
