tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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