I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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