He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
