If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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