my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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