She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
