She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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