When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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