that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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