I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
