why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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