How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
