I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
