Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
