Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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