dude i'm inner monologue high
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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