i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
