May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
