I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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