I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
