Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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