You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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