you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
