I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
