Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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