i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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