I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sarcasm needs its own font
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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