if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
