Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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