I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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