Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
