THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
