brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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