I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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