Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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