You're my little dorito
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
