You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
