waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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