We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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