yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your penis caused this!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
