That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
