You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
