Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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