I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
